Thursday, June 02, 2005

Thursdays with Morrie Schwarzenegger

There's so much Mitchiness to cover today. His column today about Lindsey Hunter of the Pistons is really, really bad. So bad that I'm not going to even talk about it.

One Mitch-hater suggested I criticize Mitch's shitty non-sports column from last weekend called If you criticize U.S., you must criticize them where he criticized Amnesty International for criticizing the USA. Admittedly, Amnesty International was a bit melodramatic and exaggerated quite a bit so that the report would get more press. I mean, I generally agree with their report, but clearly they went a bit too far...

But you know what? If Mitch is AGAINST Amnesty's report, then I am automatically and enthusiastically FOR it. I now agree, Gitmo is the "Gulag of our times". Fuck you, Mitch. I love it when you assume the role of level-headed, populist pundit in your columns. The only reason you get to write about these issues is because the Free Press is full of shitty writers and they need to fill up as much space as possible. Since you're such an arrogant dick, they can ALWAYS call on you to be an expert on any given topic. But your opinions (especially when not sports-related) are always full of such grandstanding and self-righteousness that it makes me want to heave. You are out of control.

I feel that Mitch is in NO position to criticize anybody. He shouldn't criticize Larry Brown, the Pistons, Amnesty International, John Kerry, George W. Bush, Lou Gehrig's Disease, death, and so forth. You know why? Because Mitch Albom has no journalistic integrity. He exaggerates, he lies--so back off Amnesty International, man. At least Amnesty hasn't written any shitty, sugary, overly sentimental pieces of crap. I'd rather read about the USA causing the "Gulag of our times" even if it's an exaggeration to draw attention to a serious human rights problem than read a book about an old guy dying. Guess what? Everybody dies. Morrie was lucky that he lived to be OLD rather than get cut down in his prime. Boo hoo. And I'd rather read the Amnesty report and other things that criticize America's treatment of suspected terrorists than read Mitch's phony and lame opinions. For those of you who are wondering, yes, I did read "Tuesdays with Morrie" and it is the only book I have EVER read that directly led me to uncontrollably and violently vomit.

Anyway, I could talk endlessly about how much Mitch has no journalistic skills or integrity and about how bad his writing is (this is why I created the blog). But I also wanted to point out (after being reminded by a loyal reader) that Mitch is an anti-union scab.

Finally, and then I'll be quiet for now, a lot of you are inevitably going to say "Hey, Morrie, today you're going off on Mitch because he bitches and criticizes things...isn't that all you do...about Mitch?"

That is correct--all I do is bitch and criticize as well. But I am entitled to because I would never write a book called "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" unless the title was ironic and the book was actually about how cool drugs, sex, violence, and swearing are. Furthermore, I just write a blog titled "Mitch Albom is a Terrible Writer"--I provide truth in advertising. Mitch Albom claims to be a sports writer, but he is a liar--he is a megalomaniac.

Soon, I will start the petition to call on Mitch to resign.

I will also begin posting my imitation of Mitch Albom columns on various topics. There will be a contest where the general public can submit their imitations as well.

I will also do a more in-depth analysis of his shitty books/television-movies. Particularly, I will monitor Jon Voight's health. I mean, before "The Five People" movie came on, fully 100% of lead actors in Mitch Albom movies died soon after filming.

I will also attempt to get an interview with Hank Azaria to ask him to apologize for portraying Mitch in the first movie. Shame on you, Moe/Apu.

Did anyone see the comment earlier going off about how Mitch is a Zionist? Weird. All of the crazies are already coming out of the woodwork.

Good day.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

yeah but he'll never get in trouble for his journalism probs--even after bein disgraced...hes a detroit institution, even if he does kind of suck

10:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There's kind of sucking and there's sucking so much dick that his mouth becomes a urethra.

11:55 AM  
Anonymous Total-Realty said...

I have a feeling that the author of this supposed blog is in all actuality a struggling sports columnist himself (or herself?). It is so sad, to create a blog where you can whine about someone who is actually successful, and meanwhile you toil away writing quickies to the local paper about the local grade-school sports team.

Mitch Albom isn't perfect butt he's the greatest sports writer of his generation. yOu would do well to emulate him rather than attack him if you ever hope to become half as successful as him.

By the way is you're name Drew Sharp?

6:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And the pot said to the kettle, "learn how to fucking edit your writing before you criticize my man Morrie."

10:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My old-band played on his show before and Album was so rude to us and everyone else on his staff, we thought he acted alot like Jack Torrence. I assure you I am not exagerating.

8:04 AM  
Anonymous tom-tom said...

who cares if he's rude. this website is about his bizarrely overrated writing skills.

12:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for getting this out in the open. As soon as I moved to Detroit I thought, Oh look, that's right, the Free Press, my new local paper, is the place where that famous "Tuesdays with Morrie" guy has his regular column. It must be pretty good since that book sold so many copies. The more I read it the more I wondered if I was missing something. It's amazing how many words Mitch can write without really saying anything. And if he is saying something, it's never really of any value. And the Ben Wallace column was the worst! And it was on the front page of the freakin' paper. What the F??? He must have dirty pictures on someone. Mitch being a successful award-winning writer would be like Bob Saget raking it in at the box office and winning an Oscar.

6:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

mitch albom is a great writer, u dont know what u are talkin about. i agree with woody paige but albom,bob ryan, and mike lupica are the best

10:56 PM  

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