Monday, June 06, 2005

Mitch Albom is NOT the voice in Ben Wallace's head, and his column STINKS of mediocrity

Okay, people are getting impatient for a new posting. I would LOVE to post over the weekend, but I do not have access to the Internet at home because I am very poor. I have to wait until I can come to work. Normally, I would post SOMETHING by 10am, but my employers actually gave me something urgent to do right when I got here. It's like, what the fuck? They pay me to BE HERE--not to actually do work for them. In fact, let me thank my employers right now for in a sense financing and supporting this blog--thank you. Sorry about coming in late so much.

Before I launch in to Mitch's monstrosity today, I should give you more background about myself now that I have started to expose my life a bit. I currently reside in Equatorial Guinea. It's a terrific life, if you like former Spanish colonies in West Africa slightly smaller than Maryland referred to as a "constitutional democracy" even though its leader, President Obiang Nguema Mbasogo, has ruled the country by suppressing the civil liberties of all opposition since seizing power from his uncle twenty years ago. I don't know, I just like it here. Yep, I'm in the oil game. I know that sounds glamorous, but don't be fooled--I'm more of an office monkey. I just sit here, speaking my pidgin English to the Bioko, Rio Muni, and other ethnic groups who do the dirty work here. I mean, yeah, there are a lot of American and European bosses here, but they don't talk to me much. I sit in the basement, and I'll tell you, it's fucking hot here. Lots of flash floods to deal with as well.

Anyway, ever since the New York Times had the Jayson Blair scandal, I decided that the only American paper worth reading was the Detroit Free Press. I am trying to continue, but you know what, this Mitch Albom guy is really starting to piss me off. In fact, when I'm done writing this I'm going to read his weekend shitstorms and talk about those a bit. And oh, we will talk more about his other projects. God, I hate him.

Here's today's column (in LINKED form so we can end this debate about me reproducing Mitch's columns in blog form--although I might start doing that again to spark a lawsuit so I can go to jail over this...I would gladly do it as a form of civil disobedience).

So, Mitch, you're the voice in Ben Wallace's head? You mean to tell me that the voice inside the head of a 6'9", 240lb, African-American, fro-sporting, ass-kicking, shot-blocking mass of manliness, toughness, and basketball skill is a dumb little twerp named Mitch Albom?

I don't fucking think so. Believe me, Ben Wallace has NOT read Tuesdays With Morrie. Ben Wallace would step on Morrie's fat head while reaching into his chest cavity to pull out his black heart, jump through the air, and dunk it in for two points...and the foul (he would miss the free throw, but it's cool). He would then grab his nuts as all the rich white people in Auburn Hills go crazy.

And he certainly wouldn't read The Five People You Meet in Heaven. Ben Wallace does not believe Heaven exists--he is going to Valhalla to party with Vikings. That's right, motherfucking Vikings.

So, face it, you're NOT the voice in his head. EVER. And NOBODY appreciates the second line in your cheesy, lameass column today: "Sorry for keeping you up all night." Ben Wallace is NEVER kept up all night by men. He is kept up all night by BITCHES.

Good God, Mitch--your column sucked today. I'm the voice in your head telling you to shut the fuck up, resign, retire, go away.

More to come shortly...


Anonymous Anonymous said...

do u suppose that since your blog is exclusively about how bad this guy sucks, you are increasing his readership? i mean, each blog entry is about each article and you link it...i agree that he is overrated and sucks, but u may not be helping your cause by directing people to read him more..just a thought.

12:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, because he's a relatively obscure writer, and Morrie is giving him his big break with this blog, right? Moron.

1:59 PM  

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