Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Mitch's Column Really Blows Today

I can't even deal with him today. I've had it.

Here's my impression of how Mitch Albom would write a column about American Idol. Sadly, it took me about four minutes to write. What's even more depressing, is if Mitch wrote this, he would win all kinds of awards and praise. It's really fucking bizarre.

MITCH ALBOM: The beauty and the Bice

Thursday, May 26, 2005


With the face of a Barbie doll and a versatile voice of an angelic country star, Carrie Underwood gave it her all. Channeling the warmth and love of her Oklahoma upbringing, Underwood sang her heart out.

She’s more than a little bit country.

Week after week, Bo Bice swaggered on stage and defied expectations and shocked fans as his Greek God hairdo was accompanied by heavenly rock vocals. Back in sweet home Alabama, his family and newfound groupies cheered on the biggest dog of all underdogs as he sang his soul out.

He’s more than a little bit rock ‘n’ roll.

It was a battle that pitted beauty against the beast. And much like the Disney anti-hero, the Bice beast turned out to have a heart of gold.

But he also has a soul of rock.

Heart and soul. Rock ‘n’ roll.

But it wasn’t time for a heavy metal Cinderella story. It wasn’t time for an underdog.

It was time for heart to win.

America's Idol. America's sweetheart.

It was the time for Underwood.

Underdog pitted against Underwood.

She won using what wins. Talent.

She’s so much more than a little bit country.

This is not to say that Bice does not have substantial talent, or even less talent than Underwood. With the exception of Manilowesque heartthrob Clay Aiken, Bice unleashed more talent, malleability, and class than any previous American Idol runner-up.

He’s so much more than a little bit rock ‘n’ roll.

Indeed, both idols have inked big league record deals, with Bice even outselling Underwood in preorders. Nobody will deny that they will both be pop culture forces to be reckoned with.

Underdog and Underwood.

Beauty and Beast.

Beauty and Bice.

As Bice rejoins his southern rock band and rocks the socks off kids at bigger gigs than he’s ever done before, he’ll never shed himself of his Idol experience.

He may not be the American Idol, but he’s more than a little bit rock ‘n’ roll.

He is rock ‘n’ roll.

As Underwood joins Idol royalty Kelly Clarkson, the fat guy, and that other girl, she’ll charm America’s hearts with her homegrown talent for years to come. But she knows she barely wrestled the Idol crown from a formidable beast. From Bice. The big dog.

But she also now knows that she’s so much more than a little bit country.

She is the American Idol.

Contact MITCH ALBOM at 313-555-1111 or He is a terrible, terrible writer. He's also a pompous douchebag, an ethically challenged dickhead, and a scab to boot. Oh, and he's quite overrated. He will sign copies of his god-awful opus "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" for Father's Day on June 12 -- 12:30 p.m. at Borders in Southland Mall in Taylor -- and on June 18 -- 11:30 a.m. at Borders in Birmingham, 2 p.m. at Barnes & Noble in Northville and 4:30 p.m. at Borders Express at Great Lakes Crossing in Auburn Hills. However, nobody will be there. Oh, some old people in diapers will attend--field trip for the old folks' home. Don't read his columns, buy his books, listen to his radio show, or support any of his public appearances or other ill-advised projects. He fucking sucks.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wouldn't be too surprised if in the next few weeks/months, the Free Press unleashes Mitch to write more articles about pop culture. And yeah, this is how he would write it. Very good.

10:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

u have an anger problem

12:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

anger problem? i doubt it. more like a unique sense of humor which i find very funny.

6:15 PM  
Anonymous Smith said...


you pretty much nailed it. toss in a bit of dumbing-down, sprinkle it with some blatant pandering, pretend like you interviewed Simon Cowell, and you're home free!

7:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Apparently, not enough to do at Democratic National Headquarters "Morrie"?

10:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Apparently, not enough to do at Democratic National Headquarters "Morrie"?

What in the world does that mean? Are you saying that Mitch Albom is conservative, thus anyone who attacks him is a Democrat?

Because anyone who thinks Albom's a conservative is, like, an idiot. Albom doesn't have any political principles. He's not conservative OR liberal. He's whichever way the wind is blowing on a given day. His "opinions" are based on what he thinks the lowest common denominator will lap up.

10:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The post is about "Morrie"'s work habits, not Mitch's.

9:08 AM  
Anonymous c.todd said...

You sir, are a genuine madman. I love you and am going to steal your concept for something HUGE.


It could be my withdrawls from the melatonin, or it could be the sweltering shitball weather this Saturday that has me dreaming, but I think you're birthing a new artform: The Sportsjab.

Keep it up and expect to see at least one ape rockin you.

Sincerely, From the suburbs of Canton,

10:10 AM  
Anonymous rhx said...

Actually, this should be dated May the 24th, with the results reversed. Bo-yeah!

11:08 AM  
Blogger gjdodger said...

Now, THAT's funny, and I don't even know anything about "American Idol." Glad I discovered your blog (through, LOL). These days, I skip directly to Drew Sharp, who can really write. Keep 'em coming.

10:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this is brilliant.

7:44 PM  

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