Friday, July 01, 2005

Larry Brown should stay with the Pistons just so Mitch Albom will be wrong

Mitch Albom has predicted that Larry brown will leave the Pistons. While I tend to agree, I hereby call upon Larry to stay with the Pistons just so Mitch can be wrong.

After reading the rest of the column, I think I am going to rename this blog Mitch Albom is a Fucking Asshole (mitchalbomisafuckingasshole.blogspot.com).

Want to know why? How about because he has the gall to write a
column pissing and moaning about how Larry Brown has it so good because he can probably make a lot of money by being disloyal to the Pistons or whatever.

Here are some terrific (by terrific I mean stupid) excerpts:


The Pistons ultimately have to make the move -- they can't wait forever -- and if they fire Larry, they are on the line for the remaining $18 million of his salary.

Oh, if only our lives worked like this!

And:

But if Larry takes a spot in Cleveland -- as a "consultant" let's say, at $1 million a year -- then the Pistons have to make up the difference. Larry gets paid like a full-time coach, and lives like a part-time consultant.

Are we having fun yet?

Mitch Albom, you're a fucking asshole, and here's why: you make a shitload of money by writing books coated in sugary shit that appeal to the lowest possible denominator. You're one of those authors who have the exact opposite of integrity--you figure out what cliche, sappy drool you can write in the shortest amount of time with the least amount of effort that will sell best, usually from the bookshelves at Wal-Mart. Who are you to criticize anybody for making a few selfish bucks while lacking perhaps the best intentions? Are you saying your shit doesn't stink? Well, it DOES stink--I can smell it an ocean away. Eew. Gross.

Face it, most people who buy your books are of an abhorrent but (unfortunately) fast-growing demographic: overweight, white, hick idiots who graduated high school (so they sort of know how to read) but have done very little else with their lives. They are depressed about their boring, stagnant Midwestern fucked-up family lives, and they occasionally read a part of your column or see you on television in between watching NASCAR and eating at Old Country Buffet, so they buy your book from the prominent end-cap display thinking it can't be a bad idea to buy it because other people who look like them do so.

And the best part is, 88% of people who buy your book aren't buying it because they want to read it--they buy it because they forgot their grandmother's birthday, and they know that the only way grandma will buy them a Christmas present come December is if they show some sort of lame generous gesture toward her. So they buy your book and usually send it to her in the mail or they have Uncle Bippy bring it to her when he goes over to her house to "borrow" some groceries (milk, ice cream, coffee, bourbon, etc.).

So anyway, Mitch, your column blows today, and you're so ridiculously full of shit. Yes, Larry Brown is probably a selfish asshole. But so are you. At least Larry doesn't embarrass himself by writing and selling such shameless shit.

By the way, I hereby nominate Larry Brown to fill the Supreme Court vacancy.

16 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

he's got my vote!

5:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah he'd have my vote too, except we don't get to vote for Supreme Court justices. Even though they're responsible for making laws and interpreting--and reinterpreting--our Constitution, they aren't voted into office, but are assigned that lifetime seat by the President. It's all part of the fun of living in a democracy...

3:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

well, maybe im a senator who will have the oppurtnity to vote on his confirmation!

(signed)
Strom Thurmond

3:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Strom Thurmond is dead. Accept it.

8:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

save us from mitch, morrie! dont give up the ship! for the love of god!

12:59 PM  
Anonymous Kyle said...

Thanks again for keeping us in the know about Mitch's garbage. Hey Mitch, why don't you write a column about how Bud Selig's wife was mugged outside of Campus Martius park after the Home Run Derby on Monday, or are we keeping that secret in the dark until the media frenzy leaves town?

12:26 PM  
Anonymous Mitch Albom said...

Happy Birthday, Morrie!

2:48 PM  
Anonymous Soumynona said...

How sad.

Another dead blog.

And such a great concept, too.

6:39 PM  
Anonymous gjdodger said...

It was a good idea in the wake of Mitch's celebrated problems with false reporting and plagiarism. Part of the problem, though, is Mitch takes a lot of virtuous and humanitarian tacks with his columns--he's a real, live bleeding heart liberal--and if you incessantly criticize him, you may find yourself condemning those philosophies as well.

1:19 PM  
Anonymous soumynona said...

"he's a real, live bleeding heart liberal--and if you incessantly criticize him, you may find yourself condemning those philosophies as well."

Boy, where to start?

1. Not all of us care about protecting the sanctity of "bleeding heart liberal" philosophies.

2. Even if you're one of those who does, there's a difference between shooting a messenger and shooting a message.

3. The idea that Albom is a dyed-in-the-wool liberal is up for debate to begin with. As has been expressed elsewhere on this site, the problem with Mitch is his lack of conviction. The only "philosophy" that appears to guide him is a sophomoric reliance on the conventional wisdom of the week.

The masses really dig Larry Brown? Mitch thinks Larry rocks! The masses getting restless about Larry Brown? Mitch thinks Larry's a loser! The masses seeming concerned about big money in politics? Mitch thinks the campaign reform bill is a no-brainer! The masses angry about criticism of the military? Mitch thinks Amnesty International should shut up!

Seriously -- I challenge you to find a coherent underpinning to Albom's work. You won't. His positions are philosophically inconsistent, his arguments intellectually fragile. He rarely appears to be acquainted with the broader, existing body of debate on a given topic, and he invariably fails to anticipate (and thus preempt) predictable counterarguments.

Put simply, Albom is a terrible writer. And if I'm not mistaken, that -- not his "false reporting" or "plagiarism" -- is the topic of this blog.

5:07 PM  
Anonymous gjdodger said...

I guess it used to be. It doesn't seem it's getting updated any more; this message board has turned into the blog. Perhaps you'd like to take the blog over from Morrie? Most of your points are valid, but plagiarism and false reporting are, by my definition, terrible writing. Take it from a professional. In any event, they permanently tainted Albom's work in my eyes. I just read Drew Sharp now.

2:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Most of your points are valid, but plagiarism and false reporting are, by my definition, terrible writing. Take it from a professional."

Take it from another professional: Plagiarism and what you call false reporting don't equate to bad writing.

They may equate to any number of other things -- bad journalism, bad ethics, bad grasp on how to avoid shooting one's career in the foot. But they aren't by definition "bad writing." Well, except for your definition, apparently.

Writing is the art -- or craft -- of expressing thoughts with words. To say that "false reporting" equals bad writing is to instantly condemn anyone who has ever written a novel, for instance.

Plagiarism and false reporting are sins in and of themselves. They aren't inherently the marks of bad writing.

Mitch Albom is a bad writer because he's not good at expressing thoughts with words. That's all. The issues with his MSU column are another issue altogether.

10:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

mitch albom is on vacation, thank the dear lord!

5:44 PM  
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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is this blog dead? 9/23/05

1:16 PM  

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