Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Mitch's Column is Really, Really Bad Today

Are you fucking kidding me? More role-playing? In Mitch's latest perverse shit-storm, he engages in more kinky-retarded make believe, this time playing doctor to Rip Hamilton. I still don't know where he gets off regularly using his column to chastise the Pistons in such childish form, but all I know is that he clearly gets off on it.

Seriously, what a fucking lame concept:

"Doc, you gotta help me."

"What's the problem, Rip?"

"It's kind of embarrassing. I need something removed."

"What is it? A polyp? A mole?"


"Oh, my. That's an entire person."

"I know. They call it Bruce Bowen. It won't come off."

"Have you tried the normal methods?"

"Oh, yeah. I tried shaking it off. Tried juking it off. Tried scraping it off against Rasheed Wallace's hip, against Ben Wallace's backside."

"Won't budge?"

"Nah. It's nasty."

Congratulations, you fucking idiot, you can use quotation marks. Just because you put such punctuation around short, informal conversational sentences does not mean that you write impressive dialogue. It's certainly not funny or insightful, and it absolutely does not make for a good sports column. How the hell this passes for journalism, let alone award-winning sports commentary, I do not understand--it is a deep, dark motherfuck.

Save that kind of shit for your Oprah book-of-the-month series. Asshole.

It's time to perpetuate some of the better comments we've had.

From Jackie:

Even if one agrees with his overall point, it's just a really bad column, like all his stuff. He just can't present a sound argument. Week after week, Albom seems to come up with these positions off the cuff, then scribbles out whatever's in his head at that moment.

He never seems to understand the bigger context of a given topic -- i.e., he's shallow and doesn't have critical-thinking skills. He never seems to have a grasp on any of the standard arguments that have come before -- i.e., he's not very well-read. And he never seems to have a sense for anticipating (and thus preempting) potential rebuttals of his points -- i.e., he's a poor debater and doesn't belong on the op-ed pages of a major metro daily.

In other words, Mitch Albom seems to suck.


From Anonymous (most likely Mitch Albom or his intern who writes at least as well as him, if not better):

On this site ppl seem to think its cool to think Albom isn't a good writer, but he is. He is. If he wasn't he wouldn't have a job or a fanbase. That's a free market at work. Yes there are beter writers, Jackie but Mitch is still a good one. And btw no, no hate mail from me, I think we all know when we're being baited, Morrie.

I'll let another anonymous respond in the form of a bitch-slapping:

The free market certainly determines who and what are successful. So you're correct on that count, obviously.

But you've made a logical jump by asserting that the high quality of Albom's writing is the particular reason that he has a job and fanbase. That's not necessarily so. His success and employment status could stem from any number of other factors.

Your logic is akin to the following:

1. Britney Spears is a singer.
2. Britney Spears operates within a free market.
3. Britney Spears is popular.
4. Therefore, Britney Spears is a good singer.

My own take on the matter is that Albom's writing is the reason for his success. But it's not because he writes well. It's because he writes in a certain way -- specifically, by pandering to the lowest common denominator. His rhetoric could be ripped to shreds by the typical high-school debate team member.

It's one thing if he's writing about sports, which doesn't demand some grand logical consistency or sharp critical-thinking faculties. It's another thing when he's given the space to present commentary about social and cultural issues.

There's nothing wrong with such pandering, in and of itself. But the fact that such pandering has earned popularity for Albom doesn't mean it's automatically "good writing," unless you're using a different definition of the word "good."

Albom's column on Sunday was a perfect example of his non-sports work. As noted above, it makes a rudimentary argument for a really shaky proposition. There are so many better thinkers out there, and many of them are much, much better than Albom at expressing their thoughts. So it is worth saying again... Albom does not deserve to have that space on Sunday. The stuff is insulting to anybody with half a brain. It should be utterly embarrassing to the Detroit Free Press.

Well said.

I'm hungry.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm hungry too.

9:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like cheese.

10:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was just introduced to this blog yesterday, and I have read every entry and every comment. Mitch Albom's writing makes me throw up in my throat. I just graduated from college with a degreee in Newspaper and I can't believe that this man has multiple jobs.

Morrie, if you are into bulimia, go eat a nice dinner and then find Mitch's column that uses "Manu" or "Mannu" about 50 times. Holy crap I debated suicide during that one. I can't believe he would consider using a gimmick like that throughout an entire column. A great comedian makes a really great joke about a third of the way into his routine, and then finds his way back to it for the final joke. Mitch would be a better writer if he did something similar.

4:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i think it is entirely ammussing and somewhat sad that you have an entire blog based on how badly some sports journalist attempts to do his job. i hope that this is not all you think about, and you have a life outside of pondering why this man got into this profession and has for some reason succeeded. i am sure you do this to entertain yourself when you are bored, however i think continually bashing someone for something they choose to do is slightly neurotic and immature.
but you may have a reason.
blindly standing up for someone that i don't know,

4:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yo, spud girl, i just checked out YOUR drivel and I'd rather read Morrie's.
still, i won't continually bash you because that might be slightly neurotic and immature.

5:19 PM  
Anonymous Jason said...

Ah yes... here we are.

I am reminded of a time that I was out drinking at a bar when a staggeringly drunk bum stumbled in. He actually crashed head-on into the door and it flew open, drawing the attention of the other patrons and the bartender, who promptly told him to leave. The derelict ignored him while his eyes roamed the establishment and centered on me. He stumbled toward me and asked me for a drink. I hate homeless people more than I hate kitties, and told him to fuck off, and right before the bartender shoo'ed him out of the bar with a broom, the bum handed me a rolled up newspaper. Thinking it perhaps a sign, I unfolded the newspaper only to find that the bum had, in fact, shit in into the paper and wrapped it up, waiting to spring it on the first asshole who denied him his ambrosia (read: whiskey).

A literal human shit resting on a piece of newspaper. That was the worst thing I have ever seen on a newspaper... until about 10 minutes ago.

Thank you, Morrie, for alerting me to Mitch Albom's supreme hackery. I was previously not aware of his near daily servings of piping-hot bullshit, and you have at once alerted me to it and drawn me to your cause.

There is an explaination for the continued success of Mitch's writing, which is painfully clear to anybody who has ever been to Detroit: People in Detroit are, on the whole, very stupid. Anyone who is going to say that his continued existance as a sports-writer is a measure of his talent should be shipped to the Soilent-Green plant because there is no reasoning with them. Britney Spears is a perfect example. As is Dan Brown (brainporn kingpin and hack-extraordinare), as is the contined popularity of any number of people involved in the arts. Anyone who can tell me with a straight face that a person cannot be successfull unless they are talented is a moron. Take Keanu Reeves (the emotional intensity of dentures), Cameron Diaz (don't watch Trippin' on MTV unless you're ready to buy a new TV after you hit yours with a sledge-hammer), Ashlee Simpson (Monday though Sunday...ooooohhhhh blow me), Niki Hilton (do I need to say anything?), The Game (the secret to success is on-camera attempted murder), and People Magazine (I am three exclamation points away from firebombing their lair) for more examples of this. George W. Bush. Case in point, Q.E.D., I win and you lose and shut the fuck up.

Keep going, Morrie. Forge through. You're doing important work, fighting the good fight for those of us in New Zealand who are too seperated to fight it ourselves. I'll be seeing you soon enough,


10:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i hate this pandering psuedo-liberal clown. nothing comes close to the Garbage "Fab-Five" book. Nothing.

9:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"pandering" seems to be the going description around here for mitch albom.

it's quite accurate.

9:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh let him be
your 'pander bear'

6:22 PM  

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