A World Without Mitch

I know what all of you are thinking--Morrie S. is washed up, afraid to come out and speak the truth about Mitch Assclown. Well, you're wrong. The truth is, a dingo kidnapped my eight-week old stepson, and I had to get the posse together to exact revenge on the dingo community. We set out to fuck up the livelihood of the dastardly dingos by destroying the smaller animals they dine on, thereby disrupting the food chain. And you know what? Mission accomplished. Granted, we were unable to recover the missing child, but revenge is indeed sweet.

At the same time, Mitch does not have a column today. We can all imagine what it would be like if he did, however. Melodramatic language about the Pistons' having their backs to the wall sprinkled throughout a truly lame Mitch Albom pep talk. As if anybody cares what he thinks. Goddamn, he's so full of shit. I am waiting for some hate mail or postings by actual fans of Mitch's writing--the truth is, NOBODY actually thinks he's a good writer. He's slept his way to the top, particularly with those who reward his alleged journalistic skills. Fucker.

But he did write an excellent column yesterday, wearing the hat of a media critic--he's one to talk, after his excellent ethical shortcomings have been exposed. What an arrogant sonofabitch. Mitch laments the lame, superficial, shitty media culture in which he is a beneficiary. You don't like the shallow, slanted 24-hour news cycle full of meaningless, cheesy, talentless hack "journalists"? Then step down!!! As much as I hate your novels, your radio program, and your other pathetic endeavors, I would settle for you resigning from the Detroit Free Press. Seriously, what the fuck is he doing with all this grandstaning about how bad the media is these days? Just because you write for a paper and not a cable news network, you're not a part of it? You are absolutely a part of it. The WORST part of it, especially with language like this:

Maybe I'm just getting older. But I'm not sure everybody knowing two minutes of everything is a goal to which humans should aspire. There's a value to smallness, to villages that are not global. There's also a value to life's mystery. To saying "I wonder what's happening across the planet" without having a machine you think can tell you.

Pretentious bag of douchery.

That's what I'd like to ponder. How world our world be if there had never been a Mitch Albom? What if some powerful man in the future created a half-man, half-machine asskicker, let's call it a Terminator (T-800 or T-2000), that could travel back in time and stop Mitch even before he began? Man, life would be good. I'd still have some enamel left on my teeth, for I wouldn't have vomited uncontrollably day after day after reading his sentimental bullshit. Life would be good. All WoJo, all the time. He's the man.

Read his column, write him some hate mail, and keep watching out for Jon Voight to fall victim to the Mitch Albom curse. Jack Lemmon, rest in peace. You didn't deserve the fate you fell at the hands of Mitch Albom.

P.S. Out of appreciation for equal time, you can write me hate mail too.