Friday, July 01, 2005

Larry Brown should stay with the Pistons just so Mitch Albom will be wrong

Mitch Albom has predicted that Larry brown will leave the Pistons. While I tend to agree, I hereby call upon Larry to stay with the Pistons just so Mitch can be wrong.

After reading the rest of the column, I think I am going to rename this blog Mitch Albom is a Fucking Asshole (

Want to know why? How about because he has the gall to write a
column pissing and moaning about how Larry Brown has it so good because he can probably make a lot of money by being disloyal to the Pistons or whatever.

Here are some terrific (by terrific I mean stupid) excerpts:

The Pistons ultimately have to make the move -- they can't wait forever -- and if they fire Larry, they are on the line for the remaining $18 million of his salary.

Oh, if only our lives worked like this!


But if Larry takes a spot in Cleveland -- as a "consultant" let's say, at $1 million a year -- then the Pistons have to make up the difference. Larry gets paid like a full-time coach, and lives like a part-time consultant.

Are we having fun yet?

Mitch Albom, you're a fucking asshole, and here's why: you make a shitload of money by writing books coated in sugary shit that appeal to the lowest possible denominator. You're one of those authors who have the exact opposite of integrity--you figure out what cliche, sappy drool you can write in the shortest amount of time with the least amount of effort that will sell best, usually from the bookshelves at Wal-Mart. Who are you to criticize anybody for making a few selfish bucks while lacking perhaps the best intentions? Are you saying your shit doesn't stink? Well, it DOES stink--I can smell it an ocean away. Eew. Gross.

Face it, most people who buy your books are of an abhorrent but (unfortunately) fast-growing demographic: overweight, white, hick idiots who graduated high school (so they sort of know how to read) but have done very little else with their lives. They are depressed about their boring, stagnant Midwestern fucked-up family lives, and they occasionally read a part of your column or see you on television in between watching NASCAR and eating at Old Country Buffet, so they buy your book from the prominent end-cap display thinking it can't be a bad idea to buy it because other people who look like them do so.

And the best part is, 88% of people who buy your book aren't buying it because they want to read it--they buy it because they forgot their grandmother's birthday, and they know that the only way grandma will buy them a Christmas present come December is if they show some sort of lame generous gesture toward her. So they buy your book and usually send it to her in the mail or they have Uncle Bippy bring it to her when he goes over to her house to "borrow" some groceries (milk, ice cream, coffee, bourbon, etc.).

So anyway, Mitch, your column blows today, and you're so ridiculously full of shit. Yes, Larry Brown is probably a selfish asshole. But so are you. At least Larry doesn't embarrass himself by writing and selling such shameless shit.

By the way, I hereby nominate Larry Brown to fill the Supreme Court vacancy.